I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
