I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
