captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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