i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
