The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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