he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
