oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
