I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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