Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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