My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
