The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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