Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
