Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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