My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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