You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
