Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
