I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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