it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
