he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
