Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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