She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
