never play flip cup with pint glasses
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
