party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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