my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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