I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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