I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
