non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
