quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
