Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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