I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
