We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
