I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
