she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
