it was like having sex with a tree stump
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
