today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
