What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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