wrigley field is MILF paradise
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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