The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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