Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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