Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
