Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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