Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
