Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
