You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
