when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
