I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
