fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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