I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
