Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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