can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
